Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh