“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Sharon, call the vet
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose