Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
that colleague who touches your screen
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.