A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
your honor my client chooses dare
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Passwords are more important than ever.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss