Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
a public service announcement
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”