Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
😅😅😅
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage