Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
You Might Also Like
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.