I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
They got Raph!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.