an octopus is just a wet spider
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.