If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.