“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m having an out of money experience.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”