congratulations to them
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Well, this certainly took a turn
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Found the job I’m suited for
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.