recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Hey don鈥檛 get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I鈥檓 going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Don鈥檛 tell me what to do
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn鈥檛 that kind of tasting.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It鈥檚 such a perfect setup.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
This sweet pup found a new friend 馃枻
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I鈥檒l never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that