[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Follow me for more life hacks.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*