HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.