If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
#winning
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95