God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–