[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant