me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve