At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[Lois & Superman鈥檚 first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
This is so funny you can鈥檛 even be mad LOL
philosophical skeletons be like
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I鈥檒l see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[months from now]
CDC: aight it鈥檚 safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My pet snake took my kid鈥檚 disappearance so hard, he鈥檚 gained 110 lbs since last week.