My patience has stretch marks.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage