If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*aggressively waits in line*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”