Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m Sold!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth