getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?