Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.