“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)