Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“I FIXED IT!”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.