My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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Oceanography is all about current events
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The best shot in the history of golf
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?