opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
You Might Also Like
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?