wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”