If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.