I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
yes, those are my real potatoes.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out