I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.