1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.