Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.