Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Admin smashed it 😂
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.