DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!