Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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Expectations vs. Reality
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip