My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.