Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos