Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.