the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)