When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
How it started How it’s going
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Tough love is true love
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.