“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us