I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
is this how new cars are made??
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
We decided to have money instead of children.