Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.