Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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Best mom ever 😂
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
worst…sale…ever
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.