Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions