captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
oh you like architecture? name three walls
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.