ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.